From "The inwarders” Podcast serie n°22, available on major Apps or via: https://www.theinwarders.com/podcast
After less than three months in Hong Kong I went to the clinic to deliver my baby in late 2017. I was pretty relaxed as it was a planned thing. My Doctor’s choice, not mine. But she thought there was no point in keeping a baby that was no longer putting on weight. I am a strong believer that if you choose the best people, you better follow their advices. So here I was registering at 6:30 in the morning.
The delivery went very well. My boy was 2.5 kg. I was lovingly holding my tiny baby in my arms until I started to feel dizzy. As I felt my strength leaving rapidly I asked someone to take him away. I wasn’t worry though as I thought it was a side effect of the epidural anesthesia.
My blood pressure was steadily going down. Down. And down again. The unexperienced mid-wife was enough for me to feel reassured. Trusting that the experience was required for me. I kept repeating in my head a quote from Eckhart Tolle that has been in my living for quite a while:
”Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it”.
Why would I complain? I was in no pain. The mid-wife kept saying all was fine. Only my mother looked blemished. But my husband, so used to keep it all for himself, wasn’t sending any worrying message.
I felt wrapped in a blanked of love. Quite present to myself like in a deep meditation. Until a thought came to disturb me. What if that was it? What if that was the end?
Suddenly I felt sad. Two things came to my mind, one after the other:
First, I might never know my son and will never enjoy the family my husband and I created.
Second, I didn’t even try… What, it was unclear. But I felt a sense of deep regret I played my life way too safe.
At that stage, I could no longer move. I felt like I was sinking into a deep and relaxing sleep. I gave a last glimpse at my blood pressure and started to pray. I don’t recall the exact words I said but it looked like: “Dear God, if I am coming back to you and that’s your wish, then let it be. But if there is any possibility for me to stay longer, I would like it very much”.
I was no longer paying much attention to what was going on in the room. But my husband told me later I spoke to him, even though it felt like I was taking in my head. People were going back and forth. I only recall someone injected something into the small liquid pocket linked to my arm and that’s when my blood pressure went up again.
Almost four hours after the delivery, my Doctor finally came back to the clinic. During that time, I’ve lost an estimated 2 litters of blood, all in buckets under my bed. The hemorrhage stopped when she removed the placenta left inside that was the root cause of my bleeding.
To give you an idea, a normal blood pressure for my age at the time is 112.5 Systolic Blood Pressure (SBP) / 74.5 Diastolic Blood Pressure (DBP). On that day, I dropped down to 70 SBP / 40 DBP and it is considered low or life threatening around 90 SBP / 60 DBP.
To be honest with you, legging go of my anger and resentment towards the people medically involved that day took a bit of time, but that’s another story.
There are many retells of similar experiences. Mine has nothing particular. That’s not a near death experience (NDE). But that was enough for me to make two important decisions later on:
First, to spend more time with my loved ones and that’s why I am a full time mom with no helper today (which is quite unusual in HK especially as my boys has only 3 hours of school each day)
Second, to figure out what I didn’t try or accomplished before, that made me so sad at the time to depart
I sincerely believe to go through that kind of experience is not required to figure out what matters to us. I was just particularly unconscious.
I later read “How to measure your life” by Clay Christensen and that should have been enough. BTW, I strongly recommend that book.
The reason why I share my story today is to offer you the opportunity of assessing if you already are spending most of your time and energy with the people you love the most, doing the things that spark real joy for you… because I believe it is never too late to turn things around and it starts with going inward.
“How to measure your life” by Clay Christensen https://www.amazon.com/How-Will-Measure-Your-Life/dp/0062102419
Book your free coaching session with Mikan van Zanten at www.iammikan.com